The Great Cornholio

Do you have TP for his bunghole?

Bad Hair-Life.

Very efficient today, very efficient. Me, that is. Toddler dance, shopping, lunch, laundry, fluff-and-fold, clear out shoe cupboard and so on and so on and so on. Dead efficient. Lots done. Bit tired now.

Also been in a complete state about my hair. I hate it. What does a girl have to do to find a decent hairdresser around these parts of the woods? What does it take to be a stylist out here, do you just buy a pair of scissors and open shop and start randomly chopping away at people? Cause I can't see how these dimwits that I happen upon could have passed their exams. Darn'em. I want Joi. Or Anton.

And now: crisps and Zombieland.

One Two Three Four Five

Right, so now for the music-only list.
Here's five toons I like right now, in (as usual) no particular order:

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...

Remember a few days ago I said how odd it was that I haven't slipped once this winter? I've fallen over twice since then. Idiot me.

Today You Were King And I, I Was Your Queen

Woke up and the world was buried, so I took a day off.

A day off like this, unexpected and for no particularily unpleasant reason, is what I call a lost day. And lost days should be cherished. No laundry or hoovering on a lost day, for example. No arguing about eating your greens. It's like getting a tax return, you don't spend that money on your bills do you? Oh no. You buy a Hermès bag.

So we ventured out in the snow and climbed icebergs the size of the one that killed the Titanic. I taught my son to make snowballs and how to throw them and we had his first snowballfight. He made me snow pancakes for dinner and fed them to me (no yellows, I checked carefully). We played with a cat until it got annoyed with M trying to feed it snow and scratched him in the face. He cried, but wanted to pet it again so no harm done. I saw that side of my child today that makes me so utterly proud of him. The curious, plucky, courageous side, the adventurer's spirit he carries, his questioning side. He'll climb up a heap of frozen snow six feet tall and then throw himself off it just to see where he'll land. I love that.

Then we walked to the shop and bought sweets. On the way there I slipped on the icy pavement and fell like a great lumbering bear right on my bum. No one was around though, so I'll just put it down to experience.

Music for today has been James & Karin's "Barnlåtar", Enter Shikari's first album and now Joni Mitchell.

Nigella Should Be Very, Very Worried

I made these today...




...and the Baby Monster made these.

Oh And By The Way...

...I'm reading this.

Life As We Know And Love It

Order of the day;

Oversleep. Rush off to brekkie at Sylwia's with whiny kid in tow.
Home again through snowstorm, still whiny kid.
Make dinner for aforementioned whiny kid. Rush to work, dropping whiny kid off with whiny childminder.
Work whiny job. Deal with whiny people. Whine to whiny colleague.
Home again. Snowstorm? Check. Whiny kid? Check. Catch a ride with Sylwia, thank you sweet fortune, today's only happy break so far, check.
Get home with whiny kid who at this stage whines more than humanly possible and now sounds like a small angry elephant that has been separated from it's herd and therefor is howling for Mama Elephant to come and get it (i.e. loud noises).
Crumble into a heap on kitchen floor and cry. Kid whines.

Wipe snotty noses (minimum two). Never mind dinner, make popcorn instead. Eat popcorn and watch "Where the wild things are". Kid happy.

Put happy kid formerly known as whiny kid to bed. Mama happy.

It Took Me Four Days To Hitch Hike From Saginaw

For years now I've wanted to do a coast-to-coast of the US of A in a pickup. Or, to be more precise, in a rusty red pickup with a dog with long ears riding shotgun (head out the window, ears flowing gracefully in the wind). The soundtrack to this dream is always Simon & Garfunkel's "America".

It did get as far as the planning stage at one point, when me and FooFoo kind of semi-seriously said we'd do it, but at that point neither of us had a driving license (actually, neither of us still has one) so we never got much beyond talking about it while drunk and stuff.

Now I'm actually thinking it could happen. Once the offspring is big enough, like in three or four years, by then surely I'll be all licensed up and we may very well go off. Me and our kid. Rusty red pickup. Route 66. Cheap motels and quite possibly ganging up with some dude with an Elvis hairdo and snake hips if the timing's right. The dog will have to go though.

And we'll be listening to the only option there is for a coast-to-coast with your son; two jewish boys and a love song for a turnpike.

Our Kid And His Mum Like

This is NOT going to turn into one of them "OMG I just luuuuurve my kid I do"-blogs, I promise. But let's face it, there's so much bloody snow out, I'm kinda stuck at home and so is the offspring. It's inevitable that we hang out.

Otherwise this week I have rediscovered microwave popcorn (oh heck they're so much better than the stove top variety) and my little bruv went to Birmingham and brought me back Wagonwheels and Penguins and possibly the odd can of Irn-Bru. I love him now.

Also, I recently had a naughty dream (not THAT naughty, just slightly) about Benicio del Toro and am now in love with him proper.

And now: Monty Python's Life of Brian and carrot sticks dipped in sour cream. Woo hoo saturday night snowed-in-stylee.

Odd But Good.

I realised somthing today.

There's been snow and ice on the ground since well before Christmas, more than two months now, and I've not slipped once. Weird that.

If You Care At All About What I Think...

"Five more things you mustn't miss out on" or "Elle's list of stuff she likes".

First of all, I should probably fill you in on The Book List (I like lists, yes). My literary snob-friend P and I did a list each of five bloody good reads, and then swapped lists and are now supposed to be reading these five books and then kind of reviewing them. So far I've read four of the five on P's list. He's read none of my books. NONE! But that's because he's busy being a rockstar and doing yoga and eating vegetarian food. Or something like that, I'm not sure so I won't elaborate.

Numero uno: Anyway, I'm reading book number four on his list now, and it's the marvellous "The Egyptian" (or in Swedish: "Sinuhe - Egyptiern" or in Finnish: "Sinuhe - Egyptiläinen"...) by the equally marvellous Finnish author Mika Waltari. Which is number one on my list this week. Very good book. I stay up much too late in the evenings reading this enormous brick of a read nowadays. It's quite funny too, in a pharaonic kind of fashion, and full of sexual tension sphinx-stylee.

Numero due: the Lauren Conrad-fringe twirl. Yes, it's an old one, and let's face it, it's sort of a bit...blonde...but it's a fantastic invention by the lovely Hills crew for that awkward growing-out-your-fringe-inbetween-stage where it just goes in your eyes but is a tad too short to quiff.

Numero three (my Italian stops here): watching telly on the 'putah. Yes, it's a fantabulous invention, the old computer. And even more fabulous is skipping the whole paying of the TV-license and instead bringing the laptop to bed and watching WHATever you want, WHENever you want, WHEREever you want.

Numero quattro (see what I did there?!): the end tail of the sales. Because if you're an odd size in clothes and/or shoes (and I am...) and not afraid of wearing odd fashions and slightly leftover-looking garments (and I'm not...), this is when you buy an entire new wardrobe for the monetary equivalent of a rat's arse (i.e. dead cheap).

Numero five: huge shades. Because sun on snow hurts. That's why eskimoes squint.

Right, make do with that. Next time will be a music-only list. Peace now.

Dame Edna Aged 2.

This is what happens when a boy grows up without a dad.

This Is So Becoming A Photo Blog

The view from my kitchen window this morning.




Baby Monster and his first very own money tree (Crassula Ovata, if you want the full details) that he planted himself (sort of).




Big hand, little hand.

Spike Jonze + Maurice Sendak = Good Shit

This will be the first film my child sees at the cinema.

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

So how do you go about finding a person you've lost? Like, if all you have is their full name and year of birth (mmmm, possibly, roughly, give or take a year or two) and random details of places they used to live at and work at and such?

I had a great friend when I lived in London, but I lost all track of her years ago and now I have no idea of how to figure out where she's at. Any helpers?

Her name was Mia Nilsson, and she was Swedish but adopted from India. She grew up in Småland somewhere and I believe she had a brother.

We got to know eachother when we both worked at Whittard in the Bentall Centre in Kingston-upon-Thames in 1999. She was dating this weird bloke called Pete back then, he was all straggly-haired and aggressive.

Later on she moved to Tolworth and lived on top of a restaurant, she worked there for a while as well. Shortly after she moved back to Sweden because she was getting back with her first love, I think his name was Emil. As I recall she lived in Växjö, but I seem to remember her living way up in the north as well, in Luleå or Umeå I think.

I only saw her again once after that. We had a bit of a row and fell out. It was stupid.

I miss Mia. I'd love to know where she is and what she's doing.

Pictures Of Stuff That's Happened Lately.

The orchid decided to stop sulking and just bloody bloom, dammit.




The small monster "helped" with the baking of banana bread.




My mum bought me a microwave. Judging from this pic it's a slightly ghostly translucent little blighter. Not so much in real life however, just a standard opaque thingee far as I've noticed.

In The Time Of Chimpanzees I Was A Monkey

Home office day again, due to sick child.

I got a little bit more than nothing done, so good going, me. Most of the day was however spent making lists over things I should be doing and then looking at the lists, pen in corner of mouth going "hmmmm...what to do first...what to do, what to do...?" and then ambling out in the kitchen to look for something high in carbs to gnaw on.

So, top five this week then. Ready? Here goes:

Download: The Cosby Show. I don't think further comments are necessary, it's a piece of comedy history. If you haven't watched it, you're a moron. Go watch it. Now. Go on, get.

Music: Been kicking it with the oldies this week. Leonard Cohen's "Don't go home with your hard-on", if a tad on the naughty side (if you're my mum or similar) is possibly the best tune ever composed. And for some reason, "Islands in the stream" makes me wanna cry in a good way, so that's been on the playlist too lately.

Books: Just finishing off Douglas Coupland's "Generation X". I've read it ages ago but didn't particularily love it. I still don't. It's shit compared to "jPod" or "Generation A". Don't read it, just go buy a Reader's Digest or something until I come back with a better tip-off.

Wine: I'm still on the cheap Bulgarian stuff. It's great and the bottle's well pretty.

Keeping-warm-trick: Double socks! It's amazingly transformed my life! I no longer arrive at the office wet-footed and mardy, oh no, all you do is wear two pairs of socks, and if the outer pair gets a bit damp you just RIP'EM OFF once you get to work and hey presto, dry feet and happy face! Hang the wet socks on the radiator to dry and then put them on again when leaving work, and you're sorted for the return trip too. Nifty!

Remember where you heard it first, people.